Today new classes started. These are class numbers 13 and 14 with aprox. 4 more to go before reaching my degree. My degree has changed three times since I began, mostly due to falling in love with one topic or another. I began this journey with the intentions on becoming a youth minister- then I realized, I don’t want to deal with kids already in church. I don’t want to deal with only Jesus seeking kids- you know? The world is full of kids that believe in something else entirely- and that’s ok, I’m not here to question or judge them for their beliefs or non-beliefs for that matter. As I went through two different psych classes, I turned away from youth ministry and toward, well, psychology. Something about those neurotransmitters really grabbed my attention. I realized that people… kids more specifically, are screwed up, not only because of how they are raised (or not raised) but also because their brains won’t allow them to make the right decisions even if they know better. Somewhere during these two classes I also realized that I didn’t want to go into psychology either. I didn’t want to sit and analyze the shit out of anyone else…but yet, I wanted to help- but how?
My heart, my love, has always been in the crime world. If there was a tv show, a movie or a book about crime, I have devoured it. Before taking the psych classes I presumed that drug addicts, thieves, murderers, rapist and so on– they were trash that basically got what they deserved. In all honesty, sometimes I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the crazy shit other people do. The reasons ‘why,’ well, they aren’t always meant for me to understand but still, I try. Someone once told me that I saw my world with, “rose colored glasses,” but that simply isn’t true. I don’t sugarcoat my world or paint it with pretty hues. I know it’s a nasty place with nasty people but does that mean I am to tiptoe about, always looking over my shoulder, living in fear that something could happen to me? Screw that– I want to see the good in people and I know in my heart of hearts that all people have some good in them. No one was born evil with the intentions to do evil things. No one. That, my friend, is the core reason of my choice to study criminal justice. Now do I want to go out there and defend a criminal– hell no I don’t because I’d be a crappy attorney. People who commit crime do deserve to serve their time, and even be put to death if that’s what was determined for them. I could not defend a person who without a doubt, committed a heinous crime intentionally. Ill leave that to the men and women without a conscious… I do however want to work with juveniles already in the system who carry horrific label on their heads. I know I can’t save them all, I don’t want to either. That would be unrealistic and heartbreaking day after day. Some people just do not want to be helped out. I’m not certain of a job title at this point, and truthfully, I don’t need one – I’m kinda of walking in the dark here, in faith that God will place me where He wants me to be. God knows that I have a hard time with understanding the reasons ‘why’- so I am confident He will place me in a job that will allow me to accept the crime and love the person without having to understand why they did what they did. In my current opinion, the only person who needs to understand “why” is the juvenile who committed the crime just so they don’t act a fool and do the same crap again. I want to provide tools and education to them. Things they can use to better themselves. I guess basically, I just want to be the person that they trust to help them to know that no matter where they’ve been, they can leave it all behind because there’s new places to go—lots of new places. I want those kids to know that their labels don’t matter to me, it’s their life that is important to me. Make sense?