Day 18 – Walmart

As Biology presentations call my name from the other open tabs- I ponder the things I thought about while shopping at Walmart a half hour ago.  That place is freaking genius in its design.  Kudos to Sam though… he sure knew what he was doing when he put the milk and bread in the way back.  I swear to you, I went for milk, bread and medicine but left with that PLUS 30 more items I didn’t know I needed!!   Well played Sam, well played.

Sam was smart, he knew what America needed, but his family or whoever owns the chain now, they are tight as hell with those millions.  I mean, co’mon now, how much could it possibly cost to buy new buggies (carts where you’re from) from time to time? Or at least hire some kid to WD40 those things after school -geeze.  I seriously don’t know how I do it- but every time I choose a buggy,  I get the one that was used in the last installment of Jackass.  Usually its a wheel that turned sideways or won’t turn at all, today it was the ‘skip-wheel.’  You know.. it’s the wheel that has a chunk missing from it or something because it makes the worst sound as it attempts to roll. Everyone and their grand-momma can hear you coming from three lanes back. Embarrassing.  Today I pulled a bad buggy from its corral, noticed right off, put it back and pulled a new one.  I felt like I won the buggy lottery with my new selection– then it happened.  My wonderful, perfectly rolling buggy started making a loud click- click- click sound as I pushed it through the store. Figuring out why my buggy was throwing a temper-tantrum didn’t matter at this point because I wasn’t about to take it back, unload it and reload a new one.     Row by row I click-click-clicked my way through Walmart grabbing random items off the shelf.  I had hoped the weight of the items would quite my buggy down. That was wishful thinking right there y’all.

The most annoying thing about a noisy buggy is the attention you draw from it. Wanna know why people turn to see the noisy buggy?  They do it out of guilt!! That’s right, sick, twisted curiosity made them look to see who got the bad buggy they put back.  That’s a wrong kind of, ‘Pay it Forward,’ people.  Just wroooong.   Oh and what really chapped my ass today wasn’t even the buggy- it was the lady in the black hijab.   As I stood there looking for Keurig tea pods this woman turns in the aisle and stops.  I can see her mid-peripheral, and she’s not looking for items, she’s looking at me.  Now, in case you didn’t know this, I have a quick temper and I find it rude for someone to stare.  That begin said, I lifted my head and stood staring back at her with a cocked eyebrow.  When she finally turned away, so did I. For the life of me I don’t know what her problem was.  Maybe she was offended that I was wearing typical white girl Walmart attire: leggings, fake Uggs, long-sleeve T and a scarf. Whatever. All I wanted was tea pods, and guess what?  They didn’t have any!!  smh.

And what about the loud cell phone talker?  Oh, you know the one.  He (or she) is douche-bagging about the aisles having a LOUD imaginary business deal conversation as a way to impress another shopper.  How does that even work, ’cause I’m like, yeah ok–  you’re doing so well that you have to shop at Walmart, oh and, by the way, only poor people buy Ramen in bulk.   hahahahahaha  No thanks.

I’m pretty sure that only at Walmart you have the too-chatty, slightly off check-out person that wants to talk to you about your selections.  I always smile and humor them but inside I’m like, “Good grief, lady, please stop talking to me about my Fruit Loops!”  Can someone please tell me what the deal is with the bagging?  Either you get a bag for every single item you purchased or you get one bag with all 50 crammed inside. There should be a bagging seminar or something because apparently its rocket science– and NO!!  No I don’t want my milk in a bag because— IT HAS A HANDLE!!!

The parking lot is just as entertaining.  The parking lot is where buggies are rolling, unattended in the wind, where people change baby diapers and where rednecks replace car parts.  I noticed all of these things while pushing my buggy (that’s not making noise outside, wth?) to my car.

I giggle every time I’m at Walmart- never a dull moment.


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