When I become angry I can go from just a little bit irritated to freakin’ irate in 2.2 seconds. Most of the time I’m pretty good at biting my tongue-
well, ok….. that’s a lie. A damn lie. I’m not very good at biting my tongue at all!! Since my late teens I haven’t been able to hide how Ive felt or what I was thinking very well. Even if I try to hide what I’m thinking, my facial expressions tell on me so I figure that I might as well put it out there and deal with the wound from the bullet later.
When I was young I was sort of shy and afraid of confrontation. I was a people pleaser but that shit backfired in the worst ways. As I grew up, those things in my childhood that kept me afraid, took the form of anger and resentment. I was angry and pissed off at the world. That anger turned into a control issue- I had to have it in all areas of my life. Control was the drug I was addicted to. A lot of people fell victim to my addiction- especially men. I was awful to those who said they loved me or attempted to love me. I didn’t want their damn love, I wanted to get them close just to smash them under my foot- someone had to pay for making me afraid and this behavior is what gave me the “fix.” I know admitting this sounds crazy- it was crazy. My 20’s and 30’s were a crazy, crazy cycle very hard to break. I went on an antidepressant and learned some tools to use through some counseling. Most days these tools work like a charm- but sometimes I’m like, what tools?
Today was one of those days. Today I woke up and life was great. Later some crap happened and before I knew it, I got so spun up that the meaning behind the word ‘anger’ seemed like a raindrop compared to the lake of rage I was sinking in. The more I tried to make sense out of what was going on the more intense my emotions grew- until I shut off; felt nothing but complete numbness. When this happens, I’m done with the issue and refuse to talk about it because there’s no solution. Good news is that if I’m left alone I will calm down – but it might take several hours and the one who has angered me might not know how to give that needed space.
I’m still confused about the happenings of my day but what can I do? Not a damn thing but swallow it down, which is a bad thing because the next time this person pisses me off it’s going to regurgitate those swallowed up emotions and it’s going to be 10x worse than it needs to be. Truthfully That’s what has been happening- things have been building up too long and my strength (and patience) have worn too thin for me to catch myself in time. Before I know it my brain filter dislocates and well… yeah… it’s not good.