Day 154 – Stop water boarding with Jesus

Someone please show me in the Bible where Jesus forced his teachings on to others because somehow during my being married to a minister, and in my education at a very conservative Christian university, I missed that chapter.  I am confused as to how I became to understand Jesus to be the loving human form of God who basically asked us to come as we were so that he may change us. (Isaiah 1:18)   I was also under the impression that Jesus did things with tact and when the people refused to listen or do things his way, he simply walked on.  For the life of me I cannot find it anywhere in the Bible where it says, “Come let me water board you with my Word into submission.” I am so sick of people who claim to be “Christians,” using the name of Jesus as a way to beat up on others.  They really believe they can throw around a few Googled Bible verses and convert the world. The problem is, you cannot pick out a verse or three and twist them up to make it work for whatever cause you’re fighting. The Word of God does not work that way. The Bible must be taken as a whole-  you cannot grasp the meaning of a verse, or even a chapter without reading the parts before and after. And because these extreme people pick and choose scripture to suit their specific needs they are making the rest of us decent Christian’s out to be tyrants. No wonder people react to us the way they do. What set me off actually happened a few years ago when I was tapped on the shoulder by an elder while I was in church worshiping with my children.  This jackass (yeah I said jackass – it’s the nicest word I could think of) actually had the nerve to pull me out of service and take me into a small room to interrogate and beat on me over my life choices.  You see what happened was…. (I love working the name of my blog into my posts)  I had been legally separated for two years when I met someone else who was also in the midst of a nasty divorce.  The two of us grew closer and we ended up seeing one another.  The problem that the church saw was that we weren’t totally divorced so we were sinners and apparently the Bible say’s that sinners aren’t allowed in church- so they threw us out.  I was actually told not to come back or the cops would be called to escort me out. No joke!!  Keep in mind this was a church that I sought marriage counseling at for two years. A church where I took numerous classes in order to grow stronger in my walk with Christ.  This was a church I taught at and was learning to worship in ASL at. A church I called home, where all of my “good Christian” friends were made and where I served others without judgement.  I guess the joke was on me because this “church” threw me out when they couldn’t force me to live inside their holy little box of sinlessness.  I lost just about every “friend” I had and the ones I didn’t lose, either left that church on their own or they were thrown out as well for whatever sin they were living in. It took a couple of years to want to walk back into another church. I did go to several churches right after my shunning but I didn’t want to. Honestly I began to see why non-believers feel the way they do. Had I not already become a baptized believer, I would have never bought into what Christian’s were selling. I have a 13 year old little girl who has been raised in church. She is continuously taught as to what the Bible actually says in the correct context and where she can apply these verses to her life. She has never been permitted to twist scripture to fit into her life where she wants it to.  Danielle has seen the glitter of the sanctuary and she has seen the darkness in the politics, still she loves everyone blindly.  I am proud of her for that.  That being said, Danielle is growing up in a world where everyone is fighting for something and where discrimination is served daily.  It can be confusing to anyone, especially to a child. It is my place to guide her and yours if I invite you into her life but not a moment until.  You do not have a right to slap my child with your views of Jesus and his Word simply because you believe the way you do. Let me just get this out there right now, we do not raise our children to discriminate against anyone for any reason. They are raised to love, accept and respect all people regardless of their age, race, culture, region (or lack thereof) and sexual orientation even if they do not agree.  They are being raised as Christian’s who have their own thoughts and opinions who are allowed to use their voice. They are encouraged to ask questions and research things they do not understand. We want them to stand up for what they believe in without beating someone else down simply because they believe differently.  I will not tolerate it. My kids live in a world where the Christian faith is attacked daily, and I blame the extreme people who claim to belong to our faith for the hostility towards us. Just last night Danielle posted a photo of her at the mall with a Starbucks cup.  Someone said that he didn’t agree with the views of the CEO of Starbucks where Christianity was concerned.   I was like, that’s extreme.   I knew what he was saying but is my 13 year old daughters Instagram photo the time and place for that comment?  It was an innocent photo of a teenager enjoying her day with her sisters.   My “extreme” reply set off a firestorm of comments – 90 of them to be exact and only 1 was from the person in whom I was addressing.  hahaha  I actually said I respected what he was trying to convey and that was that, but his sister jumped into the deep end of the Bible pool from the Jesus high dive.  This girl was on fire with her Wednesday night service, except it wasn’t the the usual hour of causal Wednesday night service in jeans and tshirts… uh uh. This girl was going straight for the big hats and colorful suits of a southern Baptist Sunday service. You know the one I’m talking about, the churchin’ that starts at 7:30am with a 2 hour Sunday school class, followed by the 5 hour sermon that takes you through infinity and beyond, trailed by the 3 hour potluck that gets cleaned up just in time for the 4 hour Sunday night service that will eventually bring you back from deep space just in time for bed.   Yeah, it was that kind of flame I was dealing with. The girl almost spontaneously combusted right there online. This girl could not understand that although we all respected her views and her passion for the Lord, they were not wanted nor appreciated on my 13 year old daughters social media pages.  I kept trying to tell her to back off but she just kept on with her Googled scriptures and water boarding Jesus technique, even going as far as to say that I am not raising my child right followed by her pointing out just how Christ-like she is. Oh and, she invited me to her church because apparently my church (which is world wide vs. her one time deal) isn’t teaching me right. *Insert unfiltered thoughts here* Hmm… ok. I’ll come and I’ll bring fresh snakes for the pit!! Not!! I tell you one thing, the girl has some huge cajones stepping onto the field with someone like me.  I’ll give her an ‘A’ for effort though. She tried. Is Jesus hiring? Batter up!!

Day 124 – Bye Felicia!!

All of my grandparents are still alive- which I find rare within my cohort.  My mother’s parents are in their low 80’s and my dad’s parents are in the lower 90’s.  All four of them have lived through some pretty amazing things.  They have seen so much growth and development, and way too many wars. None of my grandparents drink or smoke, but that is about the only thing they have in common.

My mom’s parents are hard-working blue collar folks. They each have held several jobs, doing whatever it took to care for 6 kids.  The list includes everything from law enforcement and X-ray tech to factory workers and maids.  They got the job done.  Not only did they raise their six kids, they have also raised most of their grand-kids at some point or another.  Out of 6 of their kids they only have 1 of which is a complete waste of human flesh.  I’d say that’s pretty good odds.   The other 5 left home and began their own lives.  I’m not saying any of them have done it perfectly, but at least they ventured out of the damn nest.

My uncle Leif is the piece of crap kid.  He’s like 50 and has never left home. Ok.. I think he left once or twice but if adding up the total time compared to his years on earth, it adds up to like a day.  He left home for a day. I feel like shouting, “Way to go out and grab life by the horns there, tiger. Go get em!”  (can you sense the sarcasm?)   Leif not only didn’t leave the comfort of mommy and daddy’s wittle wub nest, he brought home a wife and three kids to share it…. and all of them, just like true parasites, suck every drop of blood from my grandparents lives and fill the home with disease.

I took my momma over to my grandparents house so she could visit with her mom on Mother’s Day.  I hadn’t stepped foot in that house in over a year.. and before that it was several years. (We will talk about this in another blog but right now it’s way too early for all that drama and I don’t think I could get through it without a glass of wine or three) When I walked into the living room I almost fainted. My grandparents are not dirty people. I was taught very early that, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” and I would have bet money that this teaching was written somewhere within the pages of the Bible, so you can imagine how taken aback I was when I was greeted with the over-whelming smell of baby vomit. My cousin (Leif’s damn kid) decided to move back home with her man and her two little kids. (she’s 25) The living room, (well it was the living room last time I was there) looked like a bomb was dropped in the middle of it; baby crap everywhere!!!!!  The house was very hot inside too which intensified the smell of the babies. My grandparents are clean but apparently not my cousin. Gross.

Lets back up a bit because I need to explain something to you about my mom’s parents –  they are both the grouchiest, mean-spirited people I’ve ever known. I’m not saying that to be hurtful; it’s the truth.  I have never.. not one time in my entire 40 years seen them be affectionate towards one another. I’ve never seen them hug or hold hands.. hell, I’ve never even heard them say a kind word about the other.  It has been a constant life of nagging, bitching, moaning and verbal abuse.   I seriously do not know how any of my aunts/uncles turned out to be decent people. (well, like I said, 5 outta 6 aint bad. hahaha) My grandmother is miserable. Leif and his maggot family have drained her body of everything good.  They have managed to turn her into a hateful old woman who wears blinders to the rest of us, who are good and treat her good. It’s almost as if she has been brainwashed to believe King Leif and his demon spawn are the only things that matter; they are to be cared for—even if it costs her the rest of her children & grandchildren.

That house is evil. It’s a cesspool of diseased minds. It is a prison in which my grandmother has been kept for 42 years, leaving only to work and return for more work. I am not kidding. I am not being dramatic or making shit up. Unless one of her other kids comes to get her to take her to a yard sale or a Goodwill, she doesn’t leave.  They never go to a movie or out to eat. They don’t take walks. She doesn’t visit friends or family.. they don’t attend birthday parties or other family gatherings. If it doesn’t happen within the confines of their house, it doesn’t happen at all.   Those walls hold her captive.  My grandfather is her warden and the rest of the brood are her cellmates.  There are very few visitors.

Yesterday I took a walk around the arboretum. For 2 miles I pondered and talked out loud about the shit-hole my grandmother lives in and by doing so I realized that she’s hateful because it’s the only thing she knows.  I swear every time I see Leif, I see my grandmothers happiness smeared across his lips like grease, left-over from the bite he just took out of her.

My grandparents live in a small house in the ghetto. Not kidding. It wasn’t a ghetto when they built, but over 42 years it has become one. It’s not a safe place. It’s filled with all kinds of riff-raft that two old people don’t need to be around. When you have mounted police patrolling the streets and 12 foot chain linked fences around properties, you’re not in a safe area.  They don’t move out because if they did, poor wittle Leify wouldn’t have place to live.

Living at home wouldn’t be a bad thing IF you were doing it to take care of your aging parents. IF you worked and provided food and other care and IF your loser kids didn’t live there too.  IF IF IF 

Oh by the way, Leif usually doesn’t have a job. IF he does, it last only for a short time. When he does work, he doesn’t help out with bills or food.  He wastes his money.  His wife is a carbon-copy of his piece-of-shittiness. She will steal you blind IF she isn’t whacked out on pills.  She doesn’t help clean and she doesn’t take care of her kids/grandkids when they are there.

This past week those two losers went on a vacation with the $4000 the got from doing odd jobs on someone’s house. They left their daughter and her stinky babies with two 80 year old people to care for. They didn’t leave a dime behind to help. SAY WHAT???   Oh hell naw…..  I know I’d throw all their crap out in the middle of the cul-de-sac and light it up.  I’d be like, “Bye Felicia!”  (hahaha I learned that phrase from my girls. They said it about someone and I was like, “Who’s Felicia?”  And one of them said, “Exactly!!” hahahaha)

b65e1f6ebaaaa7a6d221f2f93ef0c1c9

I hate Leif.  I hate his wife and his kids. Hate is a strong word but I mean it from the very heart of it’s definition.  He will burn in hell for what he has done to his parents and to the rest of us (again, that blog is coming) and lemme tell ya, as soon as I smell the smoke, I’m gonna come running with my lawn chair and marshmallows. It’s gonna be a damn good day.

Day 41- Due Process is a BITCH

What I’m about to say will piss a lot of people off and quite possibly get me a few less followers- so be it.  
I don’t condone violence but I can now understand why kids walk into a school and shoot people when there are 15 disciplinary actions in front of expulsion for harrassment and bullying.    Wanna know how to solve it? Paddle that ass.   There in said it.

My 12 year old is beautiful and I’m not just saying that because she’s mine. If she were ugly I’d admit it because one thing that kills me is when parents think they have the cutest kids and they enter them in pagents.. I call it the “Honey Booboo Disease.”  But that’s not what this post is about.
My 12 year old has always been an honor roll student with good attendance. She’s always sparkled like a star with her peers/teachers and even been a peer tutor– but that’s before we moved to Lexington.

Lel started 7th grade at a new school in a new town and seemingly loved the change.  She was proud to move into a school zone that would allow her to graduate (in 5 years) from the same high school as her 91 y.o great-grandmother, her 60 y.o grandfather and two of her older siblings.  To be a Blue Devil is her dream.. and I’ll admit it makes me sappy to know she will follow in the footsteps of great family members.
Lel has a year and a half left in middle school with some of the worst kids I’ve ever had to deal with.  Soon after school started she was picked on by peers her age simply because the boys liked her.  I get it, girls are catty beasts; hell, I was.    I also know that middle school boys are full of piss & vinegar and they like to talk shit about who they’ve dated or had sex with or whatever even when it’s mostly bs.  I have two older kids who have made it all the way through and are now in college or own their own business. Not one time did I have to deal with bullshit like I’m dealing with now.    This is where the harrassment comes in. At first there was a little boy who wanted to go out with Lel but she turned him down.  This little creeper somehow got into Lel’s phone and got my phone number and my older daughters phone number and was calling/texting being ignorant so.. I had to call the school.  That ended that.

Next came a website that some kid(s) developed that was based on the latest middle school gossip.  Of course all the pretty girls were on there and being talked about like they were dirty whores.. Again, the school was contacted except this time in writing and threats of a lawsuit were made.  The IP address was eventually found as were the kid(s) who opened it and it was soon shut down.  Game over.

Next was an anonymous text sent from an unknown cell stating that the person on the other end was, “going to get her,”  Once more Lel took it to her guidance counselor and it was found out it was Lel’s best friend who claimed to be kidding. Guess the joke was on her-  this momma hates clowns.

And today it was brought to my attention that some little douche and his bags have been taunting Lel by calling her a slut.  Last straw.

I called the principal and told her that ever since Danielle started at her middle school my kid has gone from honor roll to D’s and F’s.  She has been picked at and talked about like shes a whore when she has YET to have ber first kiss.  She’s been put on a mild antidepressant for anxiety AND dreads going to school… then I told her that these are the reasons why kids walk into school and kill people or hang themselves from trees and I was DONE with it.  I told her she needed to fix ALL of the shit,  like YESTERDAY or I would.
I will do whatever I have to do to protect my cubs… I’ll blast the school on the news, picket in front of her front doors, as well as get an attorney. The principal told me she’d take care of it asap.  I informed her that when Lel went to a guidance counselor she was instructed on how middle school boys act and that she needs to learn to deal with it.  The hell???  Last time I heard my taxes weren’t paying her ass to blow my kid off… would be in her best interest to solve the damn problem.

I have a good kid. I really do-  I’m not just saying that. Wanna know how I know? Because I’m a nosy momma and I randomly go through her Facebook and instagram. If I see anything that’s inappropriate she has to remove it. We talk about why its inappropriate. I also see who she texts and what she says. I have her passwords, not her.  I make decisions for her because she’s 12.  I don’t allow her to dress “slutty” and I screen her friends. She has a time her phone is to be shut off and she has a bedtime at night.
SHE’S 12!!!!! 

I’m not overprotective and most of the time I allow her to fight her own battles. I do understand that when a kid starts at a new school it takes awhile to grow some new roots.  Danielle had been in the same school system with the same kids since kindergarten – just the same as the kids in her new school have been. I get it, there are clicks already formed and the “new kid” has to earn their way in. That’s fine. I’ve been there myself.  I also know that Lel isn’t innocent and you better believe that she is called down for ill behavior towards others. I’m not some naive mother who thinks her kid does no wrong.  I don’t like to get into the drama of middle school but I will when it becomes more than typical middle school drama. When it becomes bullying or harrassment I have zero tolerance.

If you want kids to stop killing other kids and their teachers and/or killing themselves then stop blowing shit off and do something about the bullies when it’s brought to your attention THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!! 

image

-Willow

Day 23 – Anger

When I become angry I can go from just a little bit irritated to freakin’ irate in 2.2 seconds.  Most of the time I’m pretty good at biting my tongue-

        well, ok….. that’s a lie. A damn lie.  I’m not very good at biting my tongue at all!!  Since my late teens I haven’t been able to hide how Ive felt or what I was thinking very well. Even if I try to hide what I’m thinking, my facial expressions tell on me so I figure that I might as well put it out there and deal with the wound from the bullet later.

   When I was young I was sort of shy and afraid of confrontation. I was a people pleaser but that shit backfired in the worst ways.   As I grew up, those things in my childhood that kept me afraid, took the form of anger and resentment.  I was angry and pissed off at the world.  That anger turned into a control issue- I had to have it in all areas of my life. Control was the drug I was addicted to.  A lot of people fell victim to my addiction- especially men.  I was awful to those who said they loved me or attempted to love me.  I didn’t want their damn love, I wanted to get them close just to smash them under my foot-  someone had to pay for making me afraid and this behavior is what gave me the “fix.”   I know admitting this sounds crazy- it was crazy.  My 20’s and 30’s were a crazy, crazy cycle very hard to break.  I went on an antidepressant and learned some tools to use through some counseling.  Most days these tools work like a charm-  but sometimes I’m like, what tools?
Today was one of those days.  Today I woke up and life was great. Later some crap happened and before I knew it, I got so spun up that the meaning behind the word ‘anger’ seemed like a raindrop compared to the lake of rage I was sinking in.  The more I tried to make sense out of what was going on the more intense my emotions grew- until I shut off; felt nothing but complete numbness.   When this happens, I’m done with the issue and refuse to talk about it because there’s no solution. Good news is that if I’m left alone I will calm down – but it might take several hours and the one who has angered me might not know how to give that needed space.

I’m still confused about the happenings of my day but what can I do?  Not a damn thing but swallow it down, which is a bad thing because the next time this person pisses me off it’s going to regurgitate those swallowed up emotions and it’s going to be 10x worse than it needs to be.  Truthfully That’s what has been happening- things have been building up too long and my strength (and patience) have worn too thin for me to catch myself in time.  Before I know it my brain filter dislocates and well…   yeah… it’s not good.

image

-Willow