Motherhood 

I prayed- I have prayed for you from the first second I knew you existed, snuggled in my belly.

I prayed for your health and happiness.

I prayed that you’d always make the right decisions.

I prayed I’d never fail you and that my arms would always be strong enough to catch you when you fell.

I prayed for your forgiveness for all those times I let you down.

I prayed that you always know that I love you, unconditionally.
I cried-

I cried when I first heard your heartbeat.

I cried when I saw your little body floating on the screen, a black and white mass with two tiny arms and legs.

I cried the day you were born, a perfect little baby the only thing that ever belonged to me, mine, forever.

I cried the first time your were sick because the last thing I ever wanted you to feel was discomfort.

I cried every time I had to tell you, “No,” because I didn’t have enough money.

I cried the first day of kindergarten.

I cried when you got your drivers license and

I worried – paced the floor at night until I knew you were safe.

I cried when you graduated from high school and again when you began college.

I cried at your wedding, and again when your child was born.

I cried every time I disappointed you and couldn’t live up to your expectations.

I cried and continue to cry for you, tears that I will never allow you to see.

Day 145 – Don’t Worry, Be Happy

It has been 11 days since my last post- wow!! It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, it’s that I’ve been that damn limited on time.  To begin with, I realized that I was a week behind in school.  Apparently new classes began on May 11th, the same day as the old ones ended!!  I assumed new classes began on the 18th, giving me a week off because that’s what usually happens. Yeah, yeah I know what the word assume means.. hahaha

My dad had his 61st birthday this past Friday.  When I look at him and when I see him do all the things he does in a day, I feel that 60 is the new 30. It gives me hope, hahaha  Now I know his body hurts and his energy level falls more rapidly than before but he never lets on. All dad’s are like a mix of Superman and Prince Charming to their little girls I guess. I know that my dad is my sanctuary, my safe place, my sanity – always has been.

My dad loves me unconditionally.  He is very good at showing love for his kids.  My dad also has this amazing ability punish his kids without saying a single word.  It’s not even a look really– it’s more like an invisible barrier that surrounds him and it oozes disappointment; all you can do is hang your head in shame. It’s 10 times worse than being grounded or spanked. hahaha

The funny thing about that is, my dad isn’t the type to spank or even scold.  I have never been grounded by him and I remember only one time being spanked when I was very young. He doesn’t have to do those things due to that damn oozing sphere of disappointment he wears when he looks at you. haha  I’m not like him in that sense.  I have never been able to hold my tongue when it comes to someone being disrespectful- my temper is hot!!  I am much better at 40 than I was at 20, or even 30.  But it’s also strange how growing older works. Where my patience has formed with my kids and even more so with my grand-kids (seems you get more tolerant with each generation) it has disintegrated where rude ass adults are concerned. I have zero problem with standing up for myself and those I’m close to. I am so sick of the drama that surrounds certain people in my life to the point that I refuse to live my last 40 years the same as the first. Because of that fact I have had no problem cutting loose those people who like to keep a stirring pot.  The older I get the more I realize that a happy life can only exist when you surround yourself with happy people.
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Day 78 – Zero Tolerance

I was an only child until my dad married a woman who already had an 8 year old son– my age.    When I first met Earl I felt intimidated by him.  The more I was around him the more that intimidation grew until it was full-on hatred.   Jealousy consumed me to the point I began to dislike my dad, feeling that he had pushed me away in order to make his new wife and kid comfortable.   Those fuming emotions ignited by their new house, his own room but not one for me, his new Nike’s when I had Keds (before  they were in style), his $300 school trip to DC while I got to stay in seat, his new clothes when I wore hand-me-downs from my aunt who was a size 9 when I was a size 0.     Don’t get me wrong, my momma did what she could and I never went without- but to see Earl living the life I should have had …well, it pissed me off big time. 
Perhaps you wonder if my dad paid my momma child suppor. No, he didn’t.   Here’s the deal with that- I’m not my dads biological child.  My momma met my dad in junior high school when they in 9th grade then again when they were each 21 and I was a year old.   You see, my momma had me out of wedlock after her husband went overseas and didn’t return.       She married my dad when I was 18 months old and that’s the only dad I’ve ever known.  When he and my mom divorced, I was around 6, he still came to get me on weekends and stuff like that.  I was his daughter as far as he was concerned so when he remarried a couple of years later, it was a huge struggle for his new wife.  I can’t say that I blame her for being intimidated by me-  it’s a hard thing to understand and accept, especially back in 1982.  Times weren’t like they are now, where anything and everything goes. This is why Earl had all the new shiny stuff and I didn’t. No one’s fault, just the way it was.

As we grew older Earl and I went back and forth in liking/disliking each other. Again, we were the same age and unfortunately we were in the same school district. I hated going to school with Earl- and it was hard to explain how we were “siblings.” I remember one time we made up a lie about it saying that we were actually twins and because he was so much bigger, they took him out 3 months earlier in order to save my life-
Yeah, I don’t know what the hell we were smoking coming up with that whopper and I don’t know what kind of dumb kids we hung out with because no one knew we were lying. Hahahahaha

Earl and I ended up living together in our 20’s. I was already divorced and established in an apartment when he went through his divorce and needed a place to live. It worked out overall but this was the beginning of his downfall. Earl is not a good looking man. He wasn’t a good looking boy or a cute kid. I’m not being mean, it’s the truth. He wore glasses, he was zitty, kind of pudgy and he had a sour personality. Im really not sure he had more than a handful of friends. You wanna know why he was such a dorky sourpuss? His momma made him that way. His momma is a good women but her controlling ways made Earl a freaking wuss with a level 0 self-esteem. To prove my point, I was about 5 foot tall and weighed 90 lbs. Earl stood 6 foot tall and weighed 150 lbs and I use to beat his ass!! No joke. He’d mouth at me and throw some slurs about me being poor and I’d put his head on the ground and dare his ass to move. He didn’t move. Hahahahaha so funny. My dad would yell…”Brandy!!!” And I’d be like..”We’re just playing dad!!” all while eyeballing Earl in a way to dare him to even blink.
I was mean little kid.

As life goes, it moves on whether you’re ready for it to or not. I’ve always been the type to grab life by the horns and ride that bitch out in full force while Earl tucked life between his legs and cowered like a whipped pup. Earl turned to drug use as a way to cope with his pain. He tried to blame it on the painkillers he took after his back surgery but that’s a damn lie. His drug use began when we lived together. His drug use started with clubbing and alcohol then went to weed and then to pills.
Earl has stolen THOUSANDS of dollars worth of stuff from his mom and my dad- rare coins, collector bottles of Maker’s Mark, jewelry and my great-grandfathers pocket watch- not to mention the THOUSANDS of dollars my dad has spent on paying Earl’s back child support, his truck payments, his rehab bill. And that still doesn’t incluse the other THOUSANDS of dollars spent on my dad’s attorney fees, court fees and house alarm. Earl has taken everything from my dad except his last breath.

Over the past couple of months Earl has reached out to me. I accept his text messages but I do not allow him to call me. I want everything documented. I do not allow Earl to know where I live exactly and I have made it clear to him that I carry and to be around me is a violation of his parole.
Daily Earl sends me texts whining about the consequences of his actions and daily I find myself reminding him that he made the choices. I carry no sympathy and I refuse to sugarcoat where his whining is concerned. Whining is for freshly weaned puppies and that’s the only time it is acceptable and tolerable. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother but he doesn’t need me to love him right now- he needs me to keep it real and tell it like it is. Tough love. That’s hard. Probably the hardest thing to pull off without feeling bad about it somewhat.

I just remind myself that life is tough and drug use is the wuss way to go about it. Drugs don’t just hurt the user, they hurt everyone around the user. I remind myself how much Earl has taken from my dad and his mom and
I do not allow him to manipulate me.

I miss the Earl I grew to love as my brother. I doubt I’ll ever see him again.

Day 56 – Time Flies

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This baby..she sure keeps me smiling! Sometimes I look at her and I cannot believe that she’s almost 2.  It seems like just last week I watched the doctor place sticky little Rae on my daughter’s chest for “kangaroo-care” (2 hours of skin-to-skin contact) and today I watched a different sticky little Rae lick chocolate from a spoon. 
Time flies.
In just a couple of months I will watch another grandchild, a grandson named Idris, come into this world. 
It’s truly the most amazing thing a parent can experience; their babies baby’s.
This is what it’s all about folks..

Day 41- Due Process is a BITCH

What I’m about to say will piss a lot of people off and quite possibly get me a few less followers- so be it.  
I don’t condone violence but I can now understand why kids walk into a school and shoot people when there are 15 disciplinary actions in front of expulsion for harrassment and bullying.    Wanna know how to solve it? Paddle that ass.   There in said it.

My 12 year old is beautiful and I’m not just saying that because she’s mine. If she were ugly I’d admit it because one thing that kills me is when parents think they have the cutest kids and they enter them in pagents.. I call it the “Honey Booboo Disease.”  But that’s not what this post is about.
My 12 year old has always been an honor roll student with good attendance. She’s always sparkled like a star with her peers/teachers and even been a peer tutor– but that’s before we moved to Lexington.

Lel started 7th grade at a new school in a new town and seemingly loved the change.  She was proud to move into a school zone that would allow her to graduate (in 5 years) from the same high school as her 91 y.o great-grandmother, her 60 y.o grandfather and two of her older siblings.  To be a Blue Devil is her dream.. and I’ll admit it makes me sappy to know she will follow in the footsteps of great family members.
Lel has a year and a half left in middle school with some of the worst kids I’ve ever had to deal with.  Soon after school started she was picked on by peers her age simply because the boys liked her.  I get it, girls are catty beasts; hell, I was.    I also know that middle school boys are full of piss & vinegar and they like to talk shit about who they’ve dated or had sex with or whatever even when it’s mostly bs.  I have two older kids who have made it all the way through and are now in college or own their own business. Not one time did I have to deal with bullshit like I’m dealing with now.    This is where the harrassment comes in. At first there was a little boy who wanted to go out with Lel but she turned him down.  This little creeper somehow got into Lel’s phone and got my phone number and my older daughters phone number and was calling/texting being ignorant so.. I had to call the school.  That ended that.

Next came a website that some kid(s) developed that was based on the latest middle school gossip.  Of course all the pretty girls were on there and being talked about like they were dirty whores.. Again, the school was contacted except this time in writing and threats of a lawsuit were made.  The IP address was eventually found as were the kid(s) who opened it and it was soon shut down.  Game over.

Next was an anonymous text sent from an unknown cell stating that the person on the other end was, “going to get her,”  Once more Lel took it to her guidance counselor and it was found out it was Lel’s best friend who claimed to be kidding. Guess the joke was on her-  this momma hates clowns.

And today it was brought to my attention that some little douche and his bags have been taunting Lel by calling her a slut.  Last straw.

I called the principal and told her that ever since Danielle started at her middle school my kid has gone from honor roll to D’s and F’s.  She has been picked at and talked about like shes a whore when she has YET to have ber first kiss.  She’s been put on a mild antidepressant for anxiety AND dreads going to school… then I told her that these are the reasons why kids walk into school and kill people or hang themselves from trees and I was DONE with it.  I told her she needed to fix ALL of the shit,  like YESTERDAY or I would.
I will do whatever I have to do to protect my cubs… I’ll blast the school on the news, picket in front of her front doors, as well as get an attorney. The principal told me she’d take care of it asap.  I informed her that when Lel went to a guidance counselor she was instructed on how middle school boys act and that she needs to learn to deal with it.  The hell???  Last time I heard my taxes weren’t paying her ass to blow my kid off… would be in her best interest to solve the damn problem.

I have a good kid. I really do-  I’m not just saying that. Wanna know how I know? Because I’m a nosy momma and I randomly go through her Facebook and instagram. If I see anything that’s inappropriate she has to remove it. We talk about why its inappropriate. I also see who she texts and what she says. I have her passwords, not her.  I make decisions for her because she’s 12.  I don’t allow her to dress “slutty” and I screen her friends. She has a time her phone is to be shut off and she has a bedtime at night.
SHE’S 12!!!!! 

I’m not overprotective and most of the time I allow her to fight her own battles. I do understand that when a kid starts at a new school it takes awhile to grow some new roots.  Danielle had been in the same school system with the same kids since kindergarten – just the same as the kids in her new school have been. I get it, there are clicks already formed and the “new kid” has to earn their way in. That’s fine. I’ve been there myself.  I also know that Lel isn’t innocent and you better believe that she is called down for ill behavior towards others. I’m not some naive mother who thinks her kid does no wrong.  I don’t like to get into the drama of middle school but I will when it becomes more than typical middle school drama. When it becomes bullying or harrassment I have zero tolerance.

If you want kids to stop killing other kids and their teachers and/or killing themselves then stop blowing shit off and do something about the bullies when it’s brought to your attention THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!! 

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-Willow

Day 28 – “Beyond Scared Straight”

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Have you ever seen this show?  You see what happens is this: a county jail takes in about 10 “at risk” kids as part of a court ordered program to, well, scare them straight.  Oh my God kids are bad these days.
These kids walk into the jail with smiles on their faces and wear their offenses proudly, as if they had on shiny gold badges.   THEY’RE BABIES!!! I’m talking 11 to 17 years old. 
Sometimes when I’m watching the show I laugh.. I mean co’mon now, an 11 year old ‘gang banger’? Oooooh scary!! 👇👈👉👋☝👌✊✌(that’s me throwing up gang signs on my android like an 11 year old) 😂

Ok look.. this little girl was 11; tell me who the hell is going to be afraid of an 11 year old little girl who’s wearing a pink, sparkly Justice tshirt and light-up sneakers?  I know I wish she’d try to intimidate me one time ’cause when she did, it would be her last damn time. hahaha She better hope those light-up shoes make her butt fly like Buzz Lightyear.
mmm mmm mmm..  

These Oklahoma kids were those children of the corn Stephen King warned us about!!! No joke.
These kids had violations for petty theft, drugs, fighting, arson, grand theft auto, fraud, forgery, assault on a parent. . .
Whoa. Stop. Back-up. 

I know kids do some stupid stuff, I get it, I’ve been there, done that and own the tshirt(s) but you can bet your life that no matter what ignorance my kids have done or will do, they will NEVER stand up in my face and disrespect me.
Nope. Momma don’t play those games.

Let me just say, I don’t have perfect kids…any one of my kids could at any moment decide to disconnect from common sense. For example, I had one steal from a store when she had more than enough money on her person and in the bank and she had a damn job. When the officer called me (and after my adrenaline from getting a call from an officer had disapated) I begged him to take my child to juvie to wait for her court date.  This momma is a good momma because this momma was like.. sit in jail you little shithead and while you’re in there, Imma cut off your cell phone and take your keys away.
….but the officer said juvie was full and I had to come pick her up.  WTH? What did he mean “full”?  And what did he mean I had to come pick her up?? 
Omg I had to drive from a birthday party almost 2 hours away from that child .. do u know how much pissed offness a momma can conjure up in 2 hours time?
Her punishment was a fine of $500 that I refused to pay and she had to make a few trips back up north to a check in with a court designated worker..kind of like a parole officer.   Lemme tell ya,  because I was like, “rot in jail,” that kid of mine has turned out to be a productive member of society.   She’s now a married momma herself. She works as an SRNA and will be a respiratory therapist upon graduation. (very soon btw) 

My son, he decided at the age of 20 to obtain a fake ID and get drunk at Hooters.   He tried to be smart after and sit on the curb with his buddy to sober up but.. his buddy decided he was ok to drive and tried to take the keys from my son. They started fighting and well, by doing do they drew attention on themselves and a cop came by.  My son was honest on why they were fighting. The cop ran their ID’s.. yep, the fake ones.  When he couldn’t bring up any info on the boys he questioned them.  My son was like.. “Which ID  did u run sir?”
Busted.
The cop was nice but took them to jail to dry out. (Which I’m thankful for) They were also fined and that’s how I found out about the incident.  Here’s that telephone call:
Me: Hey Tate, missed you at church this morning.
Tate: yeah I’m sorry momma, I was out late- had to bail a friend of mine outta jail.
Me: oh. Ok. Anyone I know?
Tate: Uh uh.  Hey mom, if someone had to pay a fine where would they go to pay it?
Me: (proceeds to tell him)
Tate: Ok, mom.. it was me. I was in jail. Blah blah blah…
Good grief.

Thankfully Tate’s few hours in jail were enough to keep him out of trouble. He too a productive member of society, married, owns his own flooring business and has a baby on the way.
(Oh I can’t wait for paybacks) haha

In today’s world you just can’t take parenting lightly.  I’m really glad my two oldest had jail experiences.

3 to go…

ugh.😨

 

-Willow

Day 26 – Grasshoppers are scary

There’s only one thing I truly don’t like and that’s flying insects.  One time I had this huge Oscar fish named Willie. He was orange and cream colored with a little bit of gold.  I grew Willie from a tiny baby. He started out eating flakes then little pellets. He was the cutest little fish. He had a 50 gallon tank full of friends that he liked to play ‘chase’ with.  Willie was trained to beg for food when he saw us. We could hold his little pellets at the top of the water and he’d swim up and take them from your hand. As he grew he began eating bigger pellets and dried insects.  As a treat Willie ate ground beef or chicken, sometimes dogfood.  Willie grew into a beast. He was every bit the size of a dinner plate, no joke!!

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And he was not a team player because while playing chase, he’d eat his friends.  Bad ass fish!!! Well this one time I forgot to goto PetSmart on the way home from work to get Willie’s bugs so I had to go out and catch some.  Damnit. 
You should have seen me in my long sleeved rubber gloves and mucking boots trying to catch a few grasshoppers. I’d attempt to sneak up on one and it would fly at me, I’d duck, swat, scream and run away, flailing my arms all at the same time.  I about had a nervous breakdown for real.  Grasshoppers are mean!!! I remember vividly finally getting one. It came out of nowhere and landed on a stepping stone near my boot.  I hurried and put my hand over it (yes with a gloved hand- no way in hell I’m going to touch it with my bare hands you sicko- they bite!!) and then I froze. It was like my brain disconnected from logic- I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to grab it and squish it in my glove and I also didn’t want to move my hand and take the chance of letting the grasshopper loose. If he would have flown at me in anger, I might have had a heart attack right there. Luckily for me my 2nd grader was there to come to my aid. Kayla picked that grasshopper up and carried him right in to Willie like a boss. (After I told her not to be scared; it wouldn’t bite)  hahahaha.
I’m such a bad mom.

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I bet you anything Kayla wouldn’t touch a grasshopper now, not even to save her own life.

-Willow