Um…Excuuuuuuuuse me?

Ok so today I went to the gym to study.  That’s right… Study!  I hopped up on that treadmill and walked my procrastinating ass 45 minutes across a peer-reviewed scholarly article on the recidivism rate in juvenile offenders and the cost-effectiveness of diversion programs vs. incarceration.    Tired, cross-eyed and hungry I decided it was time to go.    

My daughters were a few  doors down at “Nail Pro” contracting fungus and probably MRSA.  I gave them a call to let them know I was done and to see if they were too.  I’m standing outside the gym talking to Danielle on the phone and while I’m listening to her chatting away….this older man in a black Toyota stops and from about 20ft away he’s says to me, “Those are incredible pants.”    Within a split-second my mind processed that this man was a creeper with some sort of weird sex fetish so I force a smile and almost as a question said, “Thanks..?”      This man looked at me like I was insane.  And??? I was looking at him the same way, so it didn’t hurt my feelings none.  The just sitting there looking at me got on my last nerve like…… yesterday. “Can I help you?” I asked and he replied, “Incredable pants.”   I almost lost my shit. “Excussssse me??” I snapped.   Slowly and taking care to annunciate every syllable, he yelled out, “IN. CREH. DUH. PET!”       Oh my good lord … he said Incredipet, not, “Incredable pants.”  Ha! That’s not embarrassing at all.   Good grief.  I’m gave the man directions to Incredipet, just across the street,next to the Liquor Barn. I was halfway embarrassed that I misunderstood him and the other half, offended that  he didnt find my pants incredible.  

Incredible pants.  Only me. 

Day 111 – Haters gon’ hate

My youngest just celebrated her 13th birthday. It’s a milestone in any young persons life- to become a teenager.   Truth be told, Danielle has always been an old soul.  Even when she was a toddler she preferred to hang out with adults.  She has always had a grown-up vocabulary and a grown-up attitude.  Danielle enjoyed learning to knit and cook over going outside to play with pals.  I use to worry about her not acting like a kid-  I felt like she was missing out on a lot of good things, like the making of mud-pies and secret forts.    I guess most good parents worry that their kids aren’t being kids and that they are trying to grow up to quickly.

Danielle was born two months early. She weighed a tiny 4lbs, 15oz and dropped another pound within days of her arrival. Her skin was on the clear side and being half Japanese, her almond shaped eyes made her look like an alien baby.  She was a skinny, ugly newborn.  Truth.  I think most parents think they have a pretty baby at birth– guess what people.. you don’t.  Your baby is ugly so just accept it and move on. Hopefully they will outgrow it.  Oh- so you think that  because people tell you how, “precious” your baby is means that your baby is cute?  HAHAHA Wrong!!  People only tell you that you have a cute baby because they’re being nice and well.. because you’re hormonal and no one wants to deal with your bitchiness.    I am one of those rare people who will use code words for ugly babies like..”Oh my, look at her little nose,” or, “Oh wow, he’s a big boy isn’t he?”   hahaha Just because I avoid the truth doesn’t mean I can’t see it.  Everyone sees it but no one wants to tell someone else that their new baby looks like Quasimodo.    Ah co’mon, don’t be like that, is it really worth getting pissed over? I was the first to say that my baby was ugly!!

As I said, Danielle is half Japanese; the other half is a mix of English, Irish and French. Blue eyes and red hair run wild in my bloodline and I was scared to death that Danielle would come out with that twisty, carrot-top orange hair and blue eyes. Could you imagine how much worse my skinny alien baby would have looked as a blue eyed ginger?

I took Danielle in for her first check-up after birth to be told that it would take about 2 years for her to catch up to the other kids her age.  As she grew she put on weight and turned into a beautiful, picture-perfect baby.  A few more months passed and my pretty baby grew into a fat little sumo.  Danielle looked like two balls stacked on top of each other and her almond shaped eyes smashed into slits. She was ugly again.  I didn’t know she was ugly though- I had on mommy-blinders and couldn’t see it at the time.  Looking back at her baby pictures… wow.

When Danielle started walking her chubby face and fingers melted away.  The delicate Japanese features were now prominent. She had Caucasian hair that grew into soft flowing strands with flips on the end. Her slit shaped eyes rounded back into almonds and her sickly skin tone turned creamy.  Danielle looked like Japanese anime (she sort of still does).

At 2 1/2 years old we were begged to audition for the Ivory soap baby.  We didn’t because I didn’t want that life for her.  We have been approached by Disney-  which was also turned down.  Today Danielle is bullied not because she ugly, but because she isn’t.   As I said earlier, Danielle has always preferred the company of adults over other kids. She grew up mimicking well spoken women who took pride in their appearance. Danielle is a girlie-girl who loves her clothes, hair and make-up. She is smart and super funny.  She is talented in music and dance and I guess at times, she comes across as some sort of rich snotty kid.  But she isn’t. It’s crazy to me that people are mean to her because she cares for herself.

She was an ugly baby!!  It’s not her fault she grew out of it.

Happy 13th princess!!