FML

I’ve had cold-like symptoms for a week now; runny left nostril, stuffy right.  Dry eyes that weep and a cough-

Omg the cough is off the chain!!   It’s not a mild cough that clears an obstruction in the airway, naw–  it’s a cough where you inhale, sucking all the air from the room then exhale through a violent force performed by all 640 skeletal muscles contracting at the same time.  The kind of cough that peels the lining from your lungs and makes you feel like you drank fire.   But there is an upside to all the coughing; free workout.  I feel like I’ve been through one hellavuh ab boot camp!

I went to the clinic today.  Wait.  Lemme stop you right there for a second.   I hate the word, “clinic.”  It sounds so –nasty.  I don’t know why except that it makes me think think of where abortions are performed, where needles can be exchanged and where cheaters go to find out if they have an STD.  

Ok so I’m at the “Little Clinic,” inside the supermarket and I’ve checked in.  The tech asked me what my symptoms were and I told her that it felt like I may have bronchitis.  Then she looked at me, told me it was her first day and could I spell, “Bronchitis,” for her?!?   Fml.

During the check-up I’m asked a series of questions and I answered them all while staring at the doctors mole.  It was huge and it had hair poking out of it from every direction….  Gross.   It was probably the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen outside of my dog eating it’s own vomit.  No joke!  The worst part; I have just gotten glasses and I was wearing them –   I’m not use to wearing glasses for vision, just for sun… I didn’t realize that the doc could see my eyes staring at her mole.  Embarrass.  Anyway, the tech comes over to take my vitals while the doc kept asking me questions that pertained to nothing regarding my reasons for being there.   The tech tells me that my BP is 98/77 and asked ME if that was normal.  Really? Then tells the doc, “No way she has a fever, her temp is 95.”    I sat there for a few seconds trying not to be an asshole.  It really took all I had in me to be nice. 

After a quick check of the ears and nose I’m told that I probably have a sinus infection and that’s why I’m coughing.   (I didn’t know sinus infections could make you cough up your f’ing spleen!)  Doc sent a prescription of amoxicillin over to the pharmacy and told me to, “feel better soon.”    I just blinked at her.   I didn’t know what to say–  my vitals suggested that I’m nearing death, she gave me a probable cause and prescription for amoxicillin –       Amoxicillin???  I wanted to tell her I wasn’t 4 years old and could swallow pills but I just wanted to go home.     

I got home and ate some ice cream and Oreo’s then opened the bag from the pharmacy.  Inside was two prescriptions: amoxicillin and Difucan. Shit.  I forgot that the cillin’s can cause yeast. (Fml again).       I noticed that the amoxicillin bottle was kinda large.  Then I opened it.  Lord hamercy-  the worst smell ever came wafting out.  Lemme help you understand- if Easter eggs and sauerkraut had a baby, it would be amoxicillin.   ūüė∑.   To top it all off, the pills are huge.  I’m not kidding.   So now, as though my bi-polar sinuses and violent coughing isn’t enough I get to add swallowing quarter sized antibiotics to the list.

Fml

  

In a bit of a fit 

That moment u look at your Fitbit and it’s not on your arm—- but u never took it off!!!
Retraced steps::

dug in trash, searched the black holes of the car and sofa, dog food bin, Reese’s bed, Reese’s crate, Reese’s poop in the backyard….

Laundry basket, drawers, washer, dryer, Lelly’s room and bathroom. I even looked thru my pix of the day to see if it was visible thinking maybe I could see where it might have come off.
After suffering a broken heart I found it in round two of the search- in a plastic bin where I keep qtips. I had been polishing my toes and messed up, reached into the closet and it must have fallen off then.
Yay me and yay that it wasn’t in Reese’s doodoo.

Day 68 – Sunshine and Coffee

Today’s sunshine has really been good for me.   I have been slowly dying from cabin fever.  I mean, I’ve been out and about all winter but it’s hard to find the joy in leaving the house after weeks and weeks of cold, sloppy days.    I had a second round of testing this morning for some issues I’m having with my esophagus. For the life of me I cannot swallow a piece of meat or bread without it feeling like it’s getting stuck.    Last week I had an endoscopy that showed a sliding hiatal hernia (shrugs) and the doc put me on a prescription of Prilocsec for acid reflux that I don’t feel.   Today was a barium swallow test.  If you’ve never had barium let me just say, it’s not that bad.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to pour a tall glass of it to have with my Oreo’s or anything but for a quick xray type test, it’s doable.   I’ve never had a barium swallow test before today so I didn’t really know what to expect. I did YouTube it last night and it looked easy enough – and today I found out that it was as simple as it looked on video.  Basically you sit against an xray board and the tech points the machine at the side of your body from your skull to your bellybutton.  On the screen in front of me I saw myself..  and lemme tell ya, I’m pretty cute without flesh.💀    Then the speech pathologist (SP) gave me a cup of think, berry flavored paste to swallow down in three continuous gulps.  On the screen the barium looked like three giant turds being poured down the back of my teeth and down my skeleton. (Couldn’t see anything besides my basic skeleton outline) It was pretty cool!!   Next came a bite of barium pudding that the SP fed me. That was odd. It too went down fine.  After that was a piece of wheat bread smeared with barium that the SP again, fed to me.  Two things rubbed me the wrong way at this point:
1) What if I was allergic to wheat?  No one asked me about allergies, and
2) Why did she have to feed me? Im not 6 months old and we aren’t dating. On top of that, I don’t like other people to touch my food..so.. yeah..it was a little too much “hands on” for my liking.
Anyway, following the bread was a vanilla wafer and barium. After have not eaten since dinner the night before (now 17.5 hours later) I was almost sick to my stomach.  Barium feels like a brick inside and it just sits there.  When the test was complete the SP told me that nothing was wrong with me except for acid reflux.  I looked at her and blinked a few times before insisting that I do not have acid reflux. I told her I don’t feel acid & I don’t verp acid.  She told me it was silent (well no shit sherlock) and that most people my age don’t feel it… then she asked me if I ate a lot of fatty foods. (Do I look like I eat a lot of fatty foods?) I Said no.
Do I drink a lot of alcohol? (Define a lot) I said no again.
Do I use tobacco products? No.
Do I drink caffeine? (What is wrong with this woman? Everytime I say NO she finds another thing to ask me like she’s baiting me.. I know as soon as I say YES to something she will tell me to stop doing it.)  I told her I did drink coffee off and on throughout the day and I was right- as soon as I said YES she told me to stop using it.  (Stop using it? Girl it ain’t meth, dayum!! :twisted:) 
I couldn’t wait to get out of that hospital and across the street for some real food.  I ended up with a chicken gyro. Tip o’ the day: Gyros are not drive-friendly food.   I had gyro chicken and its onion-cucumber sauce all over my leggings, my hands and seat. When I got home I smelled like a huge armpit and so did my car! Hahahaha. Gross!!!
When I got home I opened up all the windows and ripped through the house dusting and scrubbing every surface..I figured since I already smelled like an onion I might as well get the sweat out of the way too.  OCD kicked in and before I knew it, it was 3 hours later and the house was spotless.  I even managed to text with an old friend, reply to emails, post pix, add a few status updates to Facebook and replant a plant.(Apparently barium is like crack)
Just kidding. Like in said before, the sunshine has been good for me today. Much needed and now I think I’ll make some coffee and watch Survivor.
Night night.

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Day 62 – Esophagogastroduodenoscopy

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This is after one syringe full of a sedative.  Just one time I get shot up (by a doctor) and I look like ass!!!?!
I look like one of those “Before & After” meth posters.  Google them.

On the up side, I did get the best selfie ever…

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                      Inner Selfie.

But seriously, there’s no such thing as inner beauty.

Day 54 – TMI

I wasn’t going to write about this, and then I was like, “Aw, what the hell, we’re family!”¬† Now I know there are some thing that most people wouldn’t share with anyone else, but I am not one of those people. So here goes an embarrassing moment-

Early in the week I woke up feeling like something wasn’t quite right when I sat down. Let me go a little further so you understand what I’m talking about. Have you ever went #2 and when you were done, it felt like your insides came out, and when you stand up it felt like they go back in super slow?¬† Anyway, when that happens I say it feels like the pink glove is out; as in the lining of my colon. HAHAHA Wait– there’s more.¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† Ok so Wednesday this week I had this sensation. At first I didn’t think too much about it except that it was weird and uncomfortable.¬† The next day I woke up feeling the same way and I began to worry so I felt the need to take a peek.¬† (This is where this story gets funny- keep reading)

I’m thinking I need a shower anyway so I might as well do this thing now. I strip off all of my clothes, climb up on the vanity and bend over. Jason Mraz’s lyrics come flooding from my lips, “I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards to try to see it clearer- but my breath fogged up the glass…” yeah you know the song.¬† Aaanyway, so I’m bent over trying to see if anything is going on near the backdoor and that’s when it occurred to me that if I fell, I’d fall into the textured wall, scrap the meat off of my face and then die from blunt force trauma to the frontal lobes when I landed face first onto the tiles below. (yes, this is how my brain works- keep reading)¬† Before I got down from the vanity I saw it; a little bluish-purple bump the size of a raisin.¬† At first I almost freaked out thinking it was a tick and how if I didn’t get the head off that its body would regenerate and it would crawl up into my body and eat important things and I’d be on “1000 Ways To Die” and that is not how I want things to end. Lawd knows my friends don’t need another story to tell on me when I die– hahahaha (yes, there’s that many) I get down from the vanity and had a better idea; a make-up mirror. Grabbing the Covergirl face powder I open it and put it between my legs.¬† “What the hell is that?” So I did what any normal person would do in 2015, I Wedmd’ed that bitch. Per the symptom checker its most likely a hemorrhoid¬†but¬†it could be a tick bite, neither of which made me very happy.

I went to Walmart and stood in the aisle where Preparation H is and omg- – I can’t even tell you how awful that was. I’m silly and I like to do crazy things to make other people laugh but I’m really quite shy when it comes to personal stuff (yeah, yeah I know I’m telling you about it but like I said, we’re family, so it’s ok) In this aisle there are too many selections. There’s ointments, creams, gels.. pads, suppositories.. o.m.g.¬†¬†¬†¬† My husband and I are standing there and I say to him, “Do you think it’s ok to go with a generic for something like this?”¬† He died laughing. Then I tell him I don’t even know how to do it– like, did I need to put it on like lotion??? He has been around me way too long… he holds up a pointer finger as to say I need to cram it in with a finger. I turn ghetto when things around me need lightened up; like, Madea ghetto.¬† I blurt out in my best ghetto tone, “The hell?¬† I’m not sticking my finger up my ass!!!!”¬† He laughs. I laugh.¬†¬† He tells me he thinks that there is some sort of applicator to use. I stand there with a look on my face that says, “Uh uh. Nope, not sticking a nipple in my ass. Not Happening.” ¬†¬† My husband, trying to be helpful points out the suppositories. What is wrong with this man?¬† First it’s a finger, then a nipple and now a freaking miniature Christmas tree – – –¬† NO!!!!!!!

I went with the generic ointment because it was cheaper and it said, “ointment,” which meant to me it would kill whatever was growing. (Hell, I dunno.¬† I’m new at this old thing.)

Friday I went to the doctor for my back. I had been out two days before digging my daughter’s car out from the snow and apparently pulled meat off of my spine or something. ¬† He comes in asking me about what’s going on and I tell him about my back and how my right arm is hurting. As he’s typing I think it might be a good idea to tell him about — you know what.¬† Mistake. He handed me a paper sheet and told me to strip down from the waist; he left.

While he was gone I stripped down to my socks, climbed back on top the exam table and covered myself with the paper sheet. He and his nurse come in and he says, “It’s easier if you lie on your side and pull your knee up towards your belly.”¬† (WTH???¬† Didn’t I just tell you my back hurt when I twist?)¬† I did what I was told. This man is trying to have a conversation with me about what he’s doing down there. I was thinking to myself, “no shit Sherlock- I can feel what’s going on down there. You have your finger crammed in my no-no square.¬† Do you think I can’t feel that??”¬† I was so embarrassed. Then I heard, ‘thrombosis’ and some other medical terms…¬†¬† He tells me to sit on up and hands me a box of tissues. Said when I was dressed to crack the door and he’d be back in to talk to me.¬† I giggled and did a Beevis & Butthead, “huh huh.. you said crack.” in my mind, but only smiled and said, “ok.”

There I am with paper-thin tissues trying to wipe 2 tons of goo out of my crack. Good grief.¬† What’s up with all the excess lube?¬† And what’s up with the crunchy tissues?¬† I know he’s not broke; he needs to buy some Kleenex Aloe or something for these..delicate situations.¬† Geeze.

He comes back in to tell me I have a 1st stage roid. He also tells me that there’s nothing I can do for it but to put cream on it until it shrinks- however it will never go away completely, this is for life.¬† This man was not making my day better.¬†¬† I sat there for a few seconds before I turned into my usual amusing self, then I said, “Well I guess I’ll call him ‘Gary'”¬† The doc asked me who I was going to call, Gary?¬† I told him I was going to call my roid Gary- that he needed a name since we were going to be best good friends for the rest of our lives. He just blinked at me. ¬† As he typed up all the notes I asked him how it got there, because it wasn’t there one day and when I woke up, it was.¬† The doc said it was from straining.¬†¬† I blurted out, “Uh uh. I didn’t strain!! My poops not hard!!”¬† He blinked at me again.¬† He said, “You. were. shov-e-ling. snoooow…”¬† I hate when people talk to me like that.¬†¬† I’m not stupid, you ain’t gotta enunciate and draw words out like I don’t understand English. Dick.¬†¬† Then the doc adds, “Until its the size of an olive we can’t surgically remove it.”¬† I’m thinking, “Wait. What?¬† An olive?¬† This thing can grow to the size of an olive??¬† Uh uh, Aint nobody got time for olives. I don’t even like olives.” 😨 Now I just blink at him with a wtf look on my face.¬†¬† I guess he tried to make me feel better when he said, “It’s not a big deal, they’ll just go in there and put a band on it and it will fall off in 3 or 4 days.”

I sit there for maybe 3 seconds before my brain filter dislocated.¬† I question, “They (because it apparently takes more than one to change that light bulb) go in my butt and put a rubber-band on my roid- and it will fall off, like a dogs tail…¬† then where the hell does it go?¬† The olive-roid is just in there, like, lost in my body?”¬† Again he blinks at me and tells me there’s nothing to worry about right now and handed me papers to take to the check-out.

Later on I had my husband run to Walmart to pick up my meds. I didn’t want to haha I was too embarrassed.¬† When he came back¬† I opened the bag to find roid cream and a bottle of Fibercon pills.¬† The hell?¬† I snap at him and ask him why he bought me Fibercon pills. I thought he was trying to be funny- it’s sooo something I would do. He tells me he wasn’t being funny it’s what doctor J called in. (o.m.g.¬† I turned 40 and my body has lost it’s damn mind.)

preparation H - old time ad

Btw. The back issue… you know, the real reason I went to the doctor… its a strain in the right rhombus. Nothing a muscle relaxer and an anti-inflammatory won’t fix.

Day 51- Tootsie Rolls

The wiener dog got lost in the backyard two days ago and about froze to death- ever since, he’s been taking a dump on the deck.  I get mad and yell at him to get out in the yard and what does he do?  He runs where I can’t see him.  I’m thinking he went to the yard..nope… he’s crapping nearer to the steps and out of sight.  Today I went out and shoveled all the frozen tootsie rolls off the deck and tossed them into the yard.  I swear not 3 hours later my husband starts laughing hysterically.  I ask what’s so funny and he says, “Cooper is pooping on the deck again.”

Damn dog.

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Day 48 – Snow Sucks Ass

What a cold past few days, not to mention the crap-ton of snow we got. Man.
I’m not built for cold weather and I’m definitely not built for 10″ of powdered rain all of over damn place.  It’s not just the cold it’s the hassle and frustration that goes along with the snow part of it.    Kentucky has four distinct seasons, none of which are too extreme.  The worst part of Kentucky weather (in my opinion) is the humidity in the summer.  Trying to breath on a hot, humid day here is like soaking a wool blanket in water and wrapping it around your head. Seriously.  We don’t have bad winters either. Usually we get a “dusting” of snow….in like… March otherwise we get some bouts of freezing rain but it’s nowhere near often enough to claim ‘bad winters.’  When I was a kid we always went to school so I guess we had even more mild winters than we do now- or maybe we were just tougher kids.  Kids nowadays get out of school for cold temperatures alone. WHAT?!?! This really confuses me because I know damn well that kids up in Michigan and Canada go to school in the winter and they have waaaaay worse conditions.  Cold temperatures suck but co’mon now… you’re gonna cancel school… like all day because it’s -5¬į outside?  How about tell your dumb kid to put on a coat, hat, scarf, gloves and boots and be warm instead of trying to look cool in a hoodie and Toms. 
Maybe I’m just being grouchy because NO SCHOOL means the kids are home with me, all day for three days (so far) getting on my last nerve with their bickering.  Not to mention all the noise they make while I’m trying to study and take test. Online students don’t get a snow day.  Hahaha

My oldest daughter has stayed here for the past few nights because she lives in the next hucklebug town over.  I keep her little girl while she works and it wasn’t safe for them to travel the country roads home.  The funniest thing ever- – when she got here after work she saw that my van had pulled out of the driveway so she assumed she could just pull right in without problem. WRONG!  😂 She didn’t see that the snowplow had been by and filled the top of my driveway up with a snowbank.  She pulled into it and got stuck.  Next thing I know, I’m outside shoveling the snow out from under her car while she’s snapping pictures for instagram. (Wth look on face inserted here)

I did manage to laugh my butt off at my husband while he tried to get his truck out of the front yard.  Omg I laughed until I was crying.  He’d pull up and rock back, pull up and rock back… he could not get past one slick spot.  I texted him to come get the cat litter. He did. Didn’t work though.  Then I watched as he put a piece of firewood under the tire in hope to gain some traction to get past the slick spot.  Didn’t work.  As I’m wiping the tears from my face he takes a long piece of cardboard, from when he bought ceiling lights for my workshop, and he crammed it under the tire.  When he gave the truck a little gas the tire grabbed the 4′ cardboard box and flew it across the front yard. When he got out of his truck to see why he wasn’t getting anywhere I fell out. The look on his face when he saw the cardboard all the way up by the house stole my breath I was laughing so hard.  He was so pissed.  When he came back inside I offered him to take my van. Guess what? He got in and drove it straight up the snow covered driveway and all the way to work without issue.
Make fun of my momma van one mo’ gin.
Hahahaha

The city ordinance states that snow must be removed from sidewalks. So my husband went outside and shoveled the sidewalk and around the cars where it had fallen overnight.  While he’s out there our 75 year old neighbor Lee, cranked up his snowblower.  What made it so funny was that Lee was oblivious to the fact he was blowing snow all over our driveway and cars LOL😂   My husband just kept shoveling. When he came back inside he said Lee stopped him after he was done clearing the sidewalk to tell him that he was heading over to clear it for us with his snowblower but it was already done…  Hahahahahaha…
Isn’t that how it always goes?

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Day 46 – Milk Sandwiches

This morning was crazy cold.  We all piled in the car only to go NOWHERE but down the frozen driveway.  My husband tried to give it a running start but the tires only peeled the ice and smoke came pouring out of the vents…  gross.
My husband and I got out and put down some ice melt and cat litter and tried again.  Good news is we made it up the hill and to church, bad news, we all smelled like burnt rubber and no one sat by us.

Why do people run out to the grocery and buy up all the bread and milk everytime the weatherman says it’s gonna snow?  Are milk sandwiches popular during winter storms?
And why on earth do people listen to the weatherman anyway?  He is NEVER right? They say 100% chance of rain aaaaand it doesn’t rain.  Now if it’s only 30% chance, down will pour a monsoon.
Same with snow.  The weatherman gets everyone’s panties in a wad over an “expected” 7-10″ and it doesn’t snow enough to cover the grass but let them say we’re expecting a “dusting,” and you won’t find your flippin car when you walk outside to goto work the next day. True story.

….. I went to the grocery today, not because it is supposed to snow but because if I didn’t the kids were going to starve to death tomorrow.  None of them are home during the week because they are busy with school. I Knew they’d be home tomorrow regardless of the possible snow because of President’s Day. I don’t think I had that day off when I was a kid. Hmmm….
Anyway, I braved the frigid cold air and went to the grocery to buy food for the kiddos and for the next two weeks – –  o.m.g. apparently I’m insane. 
Everyone and their momma was at Kroger and Costco AND Walmart buying milk and bread. That’s crazy to me. Don’t they need anything else..like peanut butter or ham??
While I stood in line to leave I totally judged the woman in front of me. I don’t know what the hell she was wearing, some sort of leggings but they looked like denim and had patches on the knees like some sort of strange riding breeches and her butt had a weird crease…like not her crack crease, she had a crack crease and panty line creases- this was a sideways crease.  I kept staring at it trying to figure it out.  Eventually I pointed it out to my husband thinking maybe he could figure it out.  Nope. 
Miss. Weird Butt Crease had the personality of a stick too.  I’m pretty sure that’s why she bought the prune juice – to work it out later.
After waiting in line to check-out for 30 minutes it was fianally my turn and the cashier was on it!! She was beeping her ass off but her bagger girl was super slow. This was the hold up the whole time.  It doesn’t matter how fast one scans if you have cold molasses bagging.  Good grief.

Ok!  So I’m home and everything is put away.  The driveway has been sprayed with a liquid de-icer and we have a pile of wood (and fire starters) just in case the weatherman is right and we get a crap-ton of snow.  We are prepared to be warm even if the electric goes out; might have to eat frozen pizza on a stick in the fireplace but we will be warm and we won’t have to eat milk sandwiches.

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Day 40 – What a day!

Good God… I am so sick of biology.  Just took a test and got an 81.2 and you know what?  I’m happy with that.  I don’t know about you but I am NOT a test taker. I can study and read, read and study. You should SEE my notes; work of art.  They aren’t just a bunch of stuff scribbled on paper, they’re more like color-coded schematics of knowledge.  If I’ve highlighted something I think is important in a certain color, every new note pertaining to that particular highlighted area is written in that color of ink– they have to match so I don’t have to look for what goes where. I have a short amount of time to answer the questions so my notes are OCD: level boss.  No joke.  My test are open book too. You would THINK I’d ace that bitch…nope. I don’t know what happens to my brain – it’s like all of a sudden everything is written in hindi… a bunch of random scribbles none of which looks anything like an A, B or C.
Oh well, I have a week before the next test so tonight I’ll accept my low B as if it were an educational Grammy. That’s right.. I’ve got it polished and sitting in a glass case.  So. Don’t judge me.

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Besides the biology test I had an essay to write and I had Miss Rae today. Poor baby, she’s sick. Last week her momma took  her to the pediatrician for a bad cold and possible UTI.  Flu swabs, RSV swabs, catheter… all came back negative.  Last night she was taken to the ER for another bout of the same test PLUS a chest xray.  She is positive for RSV.  Would have been swell if her pediatrician would have given the swab two hours to fester before reading the test.. you know, since that’s the required time limit instead of doing a rapid test. Would have had her treated two days earlier.  Smh.
RSV is a highly contagious upper respiratory infection that can be quite dangerous for a baby.  If adults catch it (and I will because that baby will not leave my water cup alone) it’s just a bad cold.  Rae-bug is now the not-so-proud owner of an inhaler, some icky antibiotics and a round of steroids.  She’s been in good spirits but she’s clingy.  Today after her nap she went into a coughing fit- – couldn’t catch her breath. Scared her to death which made her cry..and that made more snot for her to choke on.   I hate it when people are sick but especially babies because they can’t tell you what hurts or what they want. 

Popcicles.   They want popcicles so we bought a box of 100 and another box of Italian Ice swirl pops.  Best grandparents ever!

Oh and the frosting on the cake was when I was in the basement putting laundry into dry, thought I heard Rae cry, took off running towards the steps, crashed into the downstairs door with my bad arm (the one in had surgery on and just had injected with cortisone) …only to get upstairs to find her still sleeping sound.  After the adrenaline wore off, I felt the throbbing, then the knot. It hurts so bad right now.

I’m going to bed now so I can stare at the darkness and worry about next week’s biology test.

-Willow