Life 

Light  as a butterfly

Light as a kite

Up in the clouds

Where birds take flight.
Spinning into weightlessness

Spinning round and round

Spinning with my arms outstretched

My body tethered to the ground.
It burns in my throat

It burns in my belly

It’s burning through  my heart

A song without a melody.

 

I worry for my loves

Inside I’m a mess

My worry goes unseen

I worry for me… Less.

FML

I’ve had cold-like symptoms for a week now; runny left nostril, stuffy right.  Dry eyes that weep and a cough-

Omg the cough is off the chain!!   It’s not a mild cough that clears an obstruction in the airway, naw–  it’s a cough where you inhale, sucking all the air from the room then exhale through a violent force performed by all 640 skeletal muscles contracting at the same time.  The kind of cough that peels the lining from your lungs and makes you feel like you drank fire.   But there is an upside to all the coughing; free workout.  I feel like I’ve been through one hellavuh ab boot camp!

I went to the clinic today.  Wait.  Lemme stop you right there for a second.   I hate the word, “clinic.”  It sounds so –nasty.  I don’t know why except that it makes me think think of where abortions are performed, where needles can be exchanged and where cheaters go to find out if they have an STD.  

Ok so I’m at the “Little Clinic,” inside the supermarket and I’ve checked in.  The tech asked me what my symptoms were and I told her that it felt like I may have bronchitis.  Then she looked at me, told me it was her first day and could I spell, “Bronchitis,” for her?!?   Fml.

During the check-up I’m asked a series of questions and I answered them all while staring at the doctors mole.  It was huge and it had hair poking out of it from every direction….  Gross.   It was probably the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen outside of my dog eating it’s own vomit.  No joke!  The worst part; I have just gotten glasses and I was wearing them –   I’m not use to wearing glasses for vision, just for sun… I didn’t realize that the doc could see my eyes staring at her mole.  Embarrass.  Anyway, the tech comes over to take my vitals while the doc kept asking me questions that pertained to nothing regarding my reasons for being there.   The tech tells me that my BP is 98/77 and asked ME if that was normal.  Really? Then tells the doc, “No way she has a fever, her temp is 95.”    I sat there for a few seconds trying not to be an asshole.  It really took all I had in me to be nice. 

After a quick check of the ears and nose I’m told that I probably have a sinus infection and that’s why I’m coughing.   (I didn’t know sinus infections could make you cough up your f’ing spleen!)  Doc sent a prescription of amoxicillin over to the pharmacy and told me to, “feel better soon.”    I just blinked at her.   I didn’t know what to say–  my vitals suggested that I’m nearing death, she gave me a probable cause and prescription for amoxicillin –       Amoxicillin???  I wanted to tell her I wasn’t 4 years old and could swallow pills but I just wanted to go home.     

I got home and ate some ice cream and Oreo’s then opened the bag from the pharmacy.  Inside was two prescriptions: amoxicillin and Difucan. Shit.  I forgot that the cillin’s can cause yeast. (Fml again).       I noticed that the amoxicillin bottle was kinda large.  Then I opened it.  Lord hamercy-  the worst smell ever came wafting out.  Lemme help you understand- if Easter eggs and sauerkraut had a baby, it would be amoxicillin.   😷.   To top it all off, the pills are huge.  I’m not kidding.   So now, as though my bi-polar sinuses and violent coughing isn’t enough I get to add swallowing quarter sized antibiotics to the list.

Fml

  

Meet me under the tree

meet me in the field; under the tree

throw out a blanket and let’s hide-
from the sun and world who sees,

as two separate souls collide
meet me under the tree; let’s chat

about everything and nothing at all

let’s forget where we’re at

as years of defenses fall
meet me under the tree; in the shade 

let’s become connected  

best friends in the heat of the day

where’s secrets are told and hearts protected
meet me under the tree; our tree

the one no one knows about but 

you and me

hide with me forever 

come love, meet me

under our tree.

  

Day 123 – Me. Myself and I.

My name is Brandy and It has been 12 days since my last entry.  Wow.

So much has been going on in the last few months that it has made it difficult to keep up on here, not that I have to keep up, that’s not exactly what I meant.  I made a New Years resolution to blog everyday, and for awhile, like most resolutions, I was doing great. Then like most resolutions made, they become less and less important, which kinda really sucks if you think about it.  A resolution is a promise you made to yourself… hell, if you cant keep a promise you make to yourself, you suck!  hahahaha.

I don’t suck, I just live a life that’s filled with a crap-ton of kids, a husband, 5 pets and college classes (that never seem to end).  My priorities are that of a housewife, momma, Nana, pet owner and full-time student sooo…  I don’t get a lot of, “me” time.  When I do have my own time to do whatever I want, the last thing I want to do is be stuck at a computer trying to remember everything I wanted to share weeks ago so instead I selfishly take long, hot baths complete with music and candles or I call friends to see who wants to grab a beer (or three).  I try to make it all about me, myself and I but I’ve forgotten how.

I’ve only been married for two years.  When I met my husband he was going through a bad divorce. There were a lot of legal issues to tend to where his children were concerned.  In the end he gained full custody and his ex-wife got slapped with a “no contact” order. (one that I find unfair) That was really tough on all of us in the beginning and it was a hellavuhn adjustment for me. I went from having two adult children (who had already left the house and began their own lives) and a 10 year old who was basically an only child to having three more kids, two of whom now lived with us full-time.  My youngest was usually with her dad every other weekend so I was use to having time to myself a couple of times a month.  Those weekends were spent doing whatever I wanted to do-  I spoiled myself with weekend getaways and spending a lot of time with pals, movies, eating out….  As soon as Scott and I were married, my ex moved across the country (when he was actually in the country) and his ex was kept away: I lost every second that belonged to just me.

There has been so much drama and chaos surrounding us for the last few years that I absolutely refuse to be part of any more. When there are holidays or other family get-together’s, I dread them. The days leading up to the gatherings, I get irritable. Again, it’s not that I don’t want to see family, I do, but then again, I really don’t.  I’d much rather go hang out with a friend, kick back on the back porch and drink iced tea…  something quiet and without kids and noise and chaos.  One thing that is a little double-standardy, (you liked that word didn’t you?) is that I like to have gatherings at my house.  I like to cook and bake and have lots of people over- I have a gift of hospitality and I enjoy using it buuuut (don’t you just hate this word?) at this point in my life, unless it’s a birthday party, I don’t like to hang out with a bunch of kids. It’s all I do and I am beyond burned out.

I did join a gym a month ago, it’s around the corner from the house; I can walk. I’m super excited about that!! Exercise is a great way to have “me” time because I can pop in my ear-buds and zone out. The kids have a membership too and that’s fine.  We can all go and do our own thing.  We all need to burn off extra energy and daily stress. Now if the damn gym would just open that would be great! UGH!! They’ve been building it all spring and it was supposed to open last month.  Until it opens I’ll just have to share my space and wait for bedtime.
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Today I will complete my very last assignment for biology- hoping to finish with a strong B.  My courses are usually 8 week intensives however biology was 16 weeks of microscopic things, plant sex and death.  Truthfully I have enjoyed biology but I am so over it.  This summer I would have competed my degree buuuut (there’s that word again) I had dropped a few classes due to life and work-overload.  Two of those dropped classes have been completed. (shout out to the spring semester!) I have this week off and then a new class begins. The new class is one that I was acing until I got bored with it and failed to complete 3 papers. I got bored because it was too much of the same thing. I had already done the assignments so why did I need to elaborate to my other classmates in an online discussion board?  I’m a black or white person, I don’t do shades of gray.  There’s no need for fluff so I didn’t choose to fluff and I got a D in the class.  Thankfully under the college re-take policy, I can re-do any class I want in order to improve my GPA. My GPA is good now but why not make it better? I really cannot stand to see a D on my grade card when everything around it is A/B; I’d be so pissed if it was one of my kids so yeah… my momma brain is holding me accountable.  Don’t you hate that???!

You know, the ONLY reason I am in college at 40 is to be able to say I did it. No other reason except to use it as bragging rights against my kids. I want to eliminate any excuse they can come up with for not completing college. They will never be able to say, “Well you didn’t go…blah blah blah”

Um.. yeeeeaaah I did and I have the $60K bill to prove it!

(So take that you little brats!!)  hahaha