K.I.S.S.

I hate it.   I absolutely hate to be disrespected and I will not tolerate it from anyone.  How hard is it to treat others as you would want to be treated?    I don’t understand kids who refuse to listen. I don’t understand parents who don’t teach their kids to respect them and others.   Teachers, Law enforcement and many others are abused everyday, verbally as well as physically because kids have idiots for parents.   Where do bullies come from? Yep, idiot parents.   Kids who bully other kids, and kid who are disrespectful are the product of their environment and I think their parents (or whoever the hell is caring for them) should be held partly responsible.

All I ask my kids to do is get good grades and keep their areas clean— this includes their bathroom.  I demand them to respect other people, including each other.  When these few rules are not followed, I lose my shit.  They simply do not know how good they have it and when they take for granted all that is done for them, a swift reminder takes place.  

I’ve never spanked my youngest child, I’ve never had to.  Don’t get me wrong, she can be a total jerk sometimes and she is dealt with by warnings and taking things away from her that she holds dear.  My two oldest might had had a handful of swats to the butt when they were little—   95 times from a 100, they could be warned and that was that.  Sometimes they lost privileges which was worse than anything else.     As many stupid things I’ve done in my lifetime, I’ve never faltered in raising my children to be respectful, productive members of society.  I’m proud of them and the adults they are (or are becoming.)      

Everything nowadays has to be faster to be considered better-  fast food, fast internet connections, fast cars, fast ways to make money and the worst of all, forcing kids grown up faster because you’re a shitty parent and don’t want to take the time to let them be kids.   Fast. Fast. Fast.    A study I read said that most families share a meal together only a couple of times a month. Most families are so on the go that they just grab food out, usually separately.   And you wonder why juvenile obesity and diabetes is soaring in America???  #idiot   Want to keep people out of prison? Start when they are young and raise them right. 

You know what this world needs? To get back to “family.”   Everyone needs to slow the hell down and get their minds focused on what’s important in their household instead of what’s happening on social media; Cook and eat a sit-down dinner together at home! Talk. Listen. Learn.  Make your kids earn what they want and stop handing them what they want just to shut them up.  And for the love of all things holy, bring Jesus …or whatever god you believe in (for all you Christian haters out there,) and His teachings back into the home. 

Keep It Simple Stupid and your kids might actually turn out to be decent people.   Just sayin’. 

Someone throw me a rope!

My mother went to the Good Sameritan ER last Sunday with severe flu-like symptoms, trouble breathing and feeling faint.   She has been fighting a “cold,” for two weeks and using OTC medications for self treatment.   As she lie in the hospital bed, I looked around at the filth around me.  This hospital was disgusting.  Clearly the janitorial department needs some training!

After sitting for a few hours, a blown vein, severe diarrhea and CTscan, my mother was moved to the Telemetry unit on the 4th floor. She wasn’t there long before she was moved to the ICU and intubated.  There is nothing more unnerving than seeing someone you love on life-support.  Unconscious and tubes running everywhere just makes your belly flop. I wasn’t at the hospital when my mother was intubated- and later that night when I got home, I stood at the sink washing dishes and almost lost it at the thought that this afternoon might have been the last time I’d ever see my mother awake. I was upset with myself for having left when I did, thinking I should have stayed longer so she wasn’t alone and afraid.  I was mad at the fact that my life still has to go forward – I still have kids and homework and and and…..

   The entire time my mother was in the hands of the Good Sam staff she was poked no less than 20 times.  None of the idiots could tell me what was wrong with her except that she had, “some type of pneumonia.”  My mother was transferred from Good Sam to the UK ICU at 4:30am Monday morning.  I have to say that UK hospital is very nice. It has been expanding like crazy over the last decade. I was initially disappointed learning that my mothers specific ICU was in the old part of UK.  I just knew it was gonna be bad.    

  I was right about it being old and dated but I cannot be happier with the medical staff caring for her.  Every doctor, nurse, tech, and specialist have done their best to keep me informed and treated my mother with the upmost respect.  Like I said, the unit is dated but it’s clean and filled with the best advanced technology available.  Within hours of being admitted at UK I was given my mothers diagnosis: pneumonia caused by corona virus hku1,  in other words, the common cold.  All they did was sick some snot from her lungs and test it.  How hard was that Good Sam??

The last three days have been a twisting, turning, bottom dropping out, roller-coaster ride. You wouldn’t think a common cold could cause so much havoc.   My mother goes from bad, worse, worse, better, great and now… bad again.  It’s a hella ride and I’d not wish it on my worst enemy.   To give an example, yesterday my mother was weaned slowly from the ventilator, eventually extubated and let to sit up in a chair.  This morning she was eating jello and now, she’s in bed, lethargic and seemingly not with it.  She has some odd behavior going on at the moment; ripping at her gown, reaching for things unseen, restless legs and moaning out often.   When I talk to her she responds with jumbled sounds that I cannot decipher.  Frustration is the only word I can think of to describe what we each feel.  Respiratory came in to give breathing treatments and hook her to a bi-pap machine which gives a constant flow of oxygen both upon inhale and exhale. My mother hates this mask on her face because it makes you feel like you’re being suffocated but her lungs are wet.. She has no other options but lasix and this machine. 

I’ve seen my mother is some very bad ways when I was younger which left only snapshots of random moments burned into my mind.  This time, being older, I have had the awful experience of senses overload.  All of my senses have been in overdrive and for the first time in my life I FEEL stressed.  Usually I just write things off as having had a bad day and move on but this past week has taken its toll leaving me with, “what if,” scenarios playing in my mind over and over like a bad song. I fight the stress, I fight the fatigue, I fight the tears back and I tell myself and everyone else that, “I’m fine,” hoping that if I say it enough it will become true.  There is just one of me but I carry many titles that include many responsibilities and right now they all on the back of my neck, jumping up and down screaming,  “Pick me! Pick me!!”  It’s hard to get everything done and it’s harder to know which order they should go in. 

I have two really good aunts and an uncle, many friends and my kids who have been right there with me each step of the way– but still it’s kind of lonely.   I’m an only child and my mothers ‘Power of Attorney,’ so no matter who stands beside me, ultimately it is me who has to make all the hard decisions when my mother cannot speak for herself.  It’s a heavy load.   I don’t usually buckle under stress but this year has sucked ass and I really wish someone would throw me a rope before I drown. 

Bucket List: Alaska 

Previously I told ya that I wanted to begin writing about the items on my bucket list. I began with NYC and today it’s Alaska!I think I fell in love with the state of Alaska when I was about 6 years old. It all started after I saw this commercial on tv for “Wildlife Treasury;” a kind of learning system that taught kids about animals, birds, fish and insects from all over the world; species and places I never knew existed- and I wanted it!! I gave my momma the phone number and to my surprise I began to receive a few packs of nature cards through the mail every month!! The cards came with a cool green plastic box so you could keep your them safe and organized. Those cards were my most valued treasure. I cared for and protected those cards like they were bars of gold.   
I was a weird kid- the kind that preferred fruit over candy, encyclopedias over fairytales and documentaries over cartoons. When a kid in the 80’s wanted to learn more about a subject they couldn’t just sign onto the World Wide Web.. they had to wait for library day at school and use the Dewey Decimal System to find a book on a shelf that was often times not where it should have been. Lemme tell ya, if a kid couldn’t put things in alphabetical order, they were screwed! Also a kid better be a speed reader because you only had a week with the book before you had to return it. Life was hard in the 80’s. 😂
Anyway, back to Alaska. 

In school we would get these book order forms on occasion and one time I was lucky enough to find a book about Alaska. When the book finally came in I remember being unable to wait until I got home to look at it. We had “Quiet time,” when I was in first grade. This was a time to bring a book from home and sit somewhere in the classroom to read. My teacher had several beanbags scattered about the floor and a cardboard box decorated like a house which was filled with large pillows. I can still remember peeling open my book order bag and darting to the box for quiet time. The cover of the thin paperback was glossy, enhancing the glaciers icy appearance. I can also remember how vivid the photos were on the inside and how I just couldn’t believe the size of the glaciers, humpback whales or the grizzlies. From this point on, I was hooked on Alaska. 

Nowadays whenever I catch a documentary on tv or Netflix about Alaska, I watch it. It really doesn’t matter if it’s about logging, fishing or the people, if it’s on and I catch it, I watch it. 
So for my second Bucket List item, I want to one day fly over to California, sail up the coast to Alaska in hopes to catch a humpback breaking the surface of the sea. I wanna take a short stay in a log cabin out in the wilderness. I’d like to hike about, absorbing the beauty all around me. More than anything else, I wanna lay outside in the darkness to see the sky dancing with color. Oh aaaand I wanna put on waders and give fly-fishing a go. After that, I’d like to train through Canada and somehow end up back at home in Kentucky. 
Guess I better buy a lottery ticket. 
  

My Bucket List 

I was chatting with a friend of mine earlier today about my “bucket list,” and I had this grand idea to blog about it. I’m not sure that anyone will find my entries interesting but nonetheless, I’m going to type it all out because — why the hell not!?!!
I’ve already accomplished so much in my 41 years and I’ve nothing to complain about. I’ve lived all over the place and traveled to all about the globe. I’ve been truly blessed, still I have desires.

My #1 bucket list item is to visit NYC. I know, I know … Not too many folks would have a desire to visit such a place. I think most see it as a “concrete jungle,” full of rude people and werido’s but in all seriousness, isn’t that what makes NYC, NYC!?!! Hahaha!! Really.. look at its history. NYC is a melting pot of every kind of person on the earth. It’s where people came looking for a new life and i love that. Think about it- people came because they heard of a new land, rich with possibility. They came with nothing but hope. And think about what it would have been like sailing on a crowded ship many around you – hungry and sick. Can you imagine the feeling of seeing America on the horizon and feeling her soil beneath your feet after those seemingly endless days on the sea? I for one would probably hit the land and begin to weep, overwhelmed by great joy. Oh and let’s not forget how so many were turned away because they couldn’t pass the ridiculous literacy and/or medical exams. I’m pretty confident that I’d pass just fine but I’m just as confident that many of my family members would be shoved back onto the ships and sent home. I’d be like “Au revoir… Don’t forget to write!!” As I waved goodbye. 😂

Although I’ve never been to New York, I’ve always thought that a wedding in NYC, with the Statue of Liberty in the background would be simply amazing- I mean, what a perfect place for a new life to begin. Too late for that now so I’ll have to settle for a grand tour and an, “I ❤️ NY” t-shirt. 
 

For the love of donuts 

I told you before that my mom worked in a donut shop when I was a kid.  I did a lot of my growing up sleeping on flour sacks in the back of the shop.  It’s one of my best childhood memories.   Owning that donut shop was what I had planned on- but it was closed down and the building has been turned into several different businesses.  Currently it is painted a putrid lime green and in the windows there are tires and shiny rims.    Still, whenever I pass this building I immediately think back to the donut shop.  I can see the “regulars,” smell the fresh coffee and taste the powdered sugar with every breath I take. Oh how I loved that donut shop.   These memories have been branded deep inside of me.  More than anything else, it’s how my momma connected to the customers.  Everyone loved her.  She had a way (still does) to make everyone feel like her best friend.   I’m pretty sure some of these customers came in just to see her; donuts and coffee were just a bonus. 

I also remember the color of the paper that lined the racks. At different times of the day the paper under the donuts would change to show they were fresh. Like in the wee hours of the morning it might have been yellow, late morning maybe pink and in the afternoon, white.  Customers knew how old the donuts were this way.  Anyway… At the end of the paper change the “old” donuts were thrown away.  My momma decided to place them in a clean garbage bag and set them outside the back door for the homeless folks.   She didn’t think I saw this, but I did. I didn’t get it all. 

Yesterday morning I had to run some errands and while making a quick stop at Walmart for a bag of catfood, Lelly called to asked me if I could get her some donuts. While I was talking to her while walking through the parking lot I noticed a homeless woman sitting with her sleeping bag up against the wall near the pop machines.  I’d seen her a few times before but like so many, I walked past. It wasn’t my problem. 

Inside Walmart I packed the 15lbs. of catfood on my hip like a lumpy toddler and the next aisle over I reached for a box of assorted donuts, tucking them between me and the catfood. Then I reached for another.   Two aisles over I grabbed a single serving bottle of whole milk and preceded to the check-out. I asked the cashier to place the milk and one box of donuts in a bag by themselves, and she did.  I took the bag to the homeless woman and when I handed to her, I saw her face for the first time.  She wasn’t what I expected.  From a distance she looked- homeless ….but when I took the time to get closer, she looked human.  I handed her the little gray plastic sack and wished her a, “Merry Christmas,” then I walked away.  The sensation that filled my chest was that of the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes. 

I debated on whether to share this story because I don’t think people should talk about what they do for others.  Truth is, I’ve always been bitter towards homeless people.  I’d turn my head and ignore them as I walked past. I mean, it’s their fault they were in the situation they were in, not mine and …come on now, they could get a job..they were choosing this lifestyle. They want handouts. Right!!???     This is what I usually think.  I’m not proud of my thought process, I’m just being honest.  Those people with signs asking for food- erk me. I’d see them in one area of town and later the same day is see them again, in another part of town.  They made me bitter because they only wanted money not work, not food.

So I bought donuts. I really don’t know why I did it but after doing so I debated whether to tell anyone about it because I didn’t want people to think that I was looking for pats on the back.  You know?  That’s not what this post is about.   This post is about doing more than handing someone a donut, it’s about serving another person.  It’s about being human in a world knee deep with shit.   This woman wasn’t panhandling; she didn’t have a sign–  for the most part she was invisible, but I saw her. I really saw her. I hope one day the homeless woman finds herself in different circumstances and I also hope that she knows that it wasn’t me serving her, it was her serving me and it all started with my love for donuts.

**thank you momma for loving people the way you do. I saw you. 

Life 

Light  as a butterfly

Light as a kite

Up in the clouds

Where birds take flight.
Spinning into weightlessness

Spinning round and round

Spinning with my arms outstretched

My body tethered to the ground.
It burns in my throat

It burns in my belly

It’s burning through  my heart

A song without a melody.

 

I worry for my loves

Inside I’m a mess

My worry goes unseen

I worry for me… Less.

FML

I’ve had cold-like symptoms for a week now; runny left nostril, stuffy right.  Dry eyes that weep and a cough-

Omg the cough is off the chain!!   It’s not a mild cough that clears an obstruction in the airway, naw–  it’s a cough where you inhale, sucking all the air from the room then exhale through a violent force performed by all 640 skeletal muscles contracting at the same time.  The kind of cough that peels the lining from your lungs and makes you feel like you drank fire.   But there is an upside to all the coughing; free workout.  I feel like I’ve been through one hellavuh ab boot camp!

I went to the clinic today.  Wait.  Lemme stop you right there for a second.   I hate the word, “clinic.”  It sounds so –nasty.  I don’t know why except that it makes me think think of where abortions are performed, where needles can be exchanged and where cheaters go to find out if they have an STD.  

Ok so I’m at the “Little Clinic,” inside the supermarket and I’ve checked in.  The tech asked me what my symptoms were and I told her that it felt like I may have bronchitis.  Then she looked at me, told me it was her first day and could I spell, “Bronchitis,” for her?!?   Fml.

During the check-up I’m asked a series of questions and I answered them all while staring at the doctors mole.  It was huge and it had hair poking out of it from every direction….  Gross.   It was probably the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen outside of my dog eating it’s own vomit.  No joke!  The worst part; I have just gotten glasses and I was wearing them –   I’m not use to wearing glasses for vision, just for sun… I didn’t realize that the doc could see my eyes staring at her mole.  Embarrass.  Anyway, the tech comes over to take my vitals while the doc kept asking me questions that pertained to nothing regarding my reasons for being there.   The tech tells me that my BP is 98/77 and asked ME if that was normal.  Really? Then tells the doc, “No way she has a fever, her temp is 95.”    I sat there for a few seconds trying not to be an asshole.  It really took all I had in me to be nice. 

After a quick check of the ears and nose I’m told that I probably have a sinus infection and that’s why I’m coughing.   (I didn’t know sinus infections could make you cough up your f’ing spleen!)  Doc sent a prescription of amoxicillin over to the pharmacy and told me to, “feel better soon.”    I just blinked at her.   I didn’t know what to say–  my vitals suggested that I’m nearing death, she gave me a probable cause and prescription for amoxicillin –       Amoxicillin???  I wanted to tell her I wasn’t 4 years old and could swallow pills but I just wanted to go home.     

I got home and ate some ice cream and Oreo’s then opened the bag from the pharmacy.  Inside was two prescriptions: amoxicillin and Difucan. Shit.  I forgot that the cillin’s can cause yeast. (Fml again).       I noticed that the amoxicillin bottle was kinda large.  Then I opened it.  Lord hamercy-  the worst smell ever came wafting out.  Lemme help you understand- if Easter eggs and sauerkraut had a baby, it would be amoxicillin.   😷.   To top it all off, the pills are huge.  I’m not kidding.   So now, as though my bi-polar sinuses and violent coughing isn’t enough I get to add swallowing quarter sized antibiotics to the list.

Fml

  

Meet me under the tree

meet me in the field; under the tree

throw out a blanket and let’s hide-
from the sun and world who sees,

as two separate souls collide
meet me under the tree; let’s chat

about everything and nothing at all

let’s forget where we’re at

as years of defenses fall
meet me under the tree; in the shade 

let’s become connected  

best friends in the heat of the day

where’s secrets are told and hearts protected
meet me under the tree; our tree

the one no one knows about but 

you and me

hide with me forever 

come love, meet me

under our tree.

  

Motherhood 

I prayed- I have prayed for you from the first second I knew you existed, snuggled in my belly.

I prayed for your health and happiness.

I prayed that you’d always make the right decisions.

I prayed I’d never fail you and that my arms would always be strong enough to catch you when you fell.

I prayed for your forgiveness for all those times I let you down.

I prayed that you always know that I love you, unconditionally.
I cried-

I cried when I first heard your heartbeat.

I cried when I saw your little body floating on the screen, a black and white mass with two tiny arms and legs.

I cried the day you were born, a perfect little baby the only thing that ever belonged to me, mine, forever.

I cried the first time your were sick because the last thing I ever wanted you to feel was discomfort.

I cried every time I had to tell you, “No,” because I didn’t have enough money.

I cried the first day of kindergarten.

I cried when you got your drivers license and

I worried – paced the floor at night until I knew you were safe.

I cried when you graduated from high school and again when you began college.

I cried at your wedding, and again when your child was born.

I cried every time I disappointed you and couldn’t live up to your expectations.

I cried and continue to cry for you, tears that I will never allow you to see.

In a bit of a fit 

That moment u look at your Fitbit and it’s not on your arm—- but u never took it off!!!
Retraced steps::

dug in trash, searched the black holes of the car and sofa, dog food bin, Reese’s bed, Reese’s crate, Reese’s poop in the backyard….

Laundry basket, drawers, washer, dryer, Lelly’s room and bathroom. I even looked thru my pix of the day to see if it was visible thinking maybe I could see where it might have come off.
After suffering a broken heart I found it in round two of the search- in a plastic bin where I keep qtips. I had been polishing my toes and messed up, reached into the closet and it must have fallen off then.
Yay me and yay that it wasn’t in Reese’s doodoo.